Tuesday, October 23, 2007


There is much debate regarding the true definition of crapburger, despite its simple construction. A large number of Cambridge Philologists stress the urban origin of the noun, taking into consideration a large amount of emotion inflicted upon its true meaning by its original inventors; however, there are many definitions to be found. According to Leroy – A concise dictionary on slang, (Cuchulain Bolivar – Macmillan, 2003):

Crapburger [kræpb:ägär] n. m. Culinary term naming a dish consisting of several leftovers
embodied in crapsauce and carefully wrapped in crapbread;
(II) term generally used to describe a miserable event or
status, more often used as slang; (III) noun used as a
metaphor in describing the reconciliation of opposites, or
an ironical distribution; (IV) usually vulgar: excrement
usually vulgar : the act of defecating. 2. sometimes
vulgar: nonsense, rubbish; also : stuff.

Hence the many difficulties regarding the apprehension of the word’s full range of meanings; apparently the word has even deeper synonyms once we take its use to question. Percival Occipitus, in The paradigm of vocabulary, said ”We shouldn’t think this word (crapburger – our note) merely through its rough and obvious construction. On the other hand, we should try to see the opposite of the general meaning, as everything else. Which part of life isn’t a crapburger? How many deceptions does one suffer especially throughout adolescence? How many things wrapped nicely and perfumed actually become piles of excrementum, shit and leftovers? No doubt to it, this is truly a generic term describing life itself, as a whole and as a hole.” Here we must remark that crapburger, at least for the author, is a synonym with life, especially the shitty part of it, the non-digestible cellulose which is offered to us in a deceiving appearance, much like the so-called hidden meaning of life, which unfortunately comes as an unpleasant surprise in most cases. We are also told, in the same book, that crapburger has a different meaning with every person. The word is thus a more personal experience then, let’s say, shit, but not as engulfing as the entire concept of life. It’s also worth mentioning Arthur A. B. C. Dolan’s opinion on this word, in his prize-wining Study on the phenomenon of prenatal lactation, who considers it to be born under the sign of political correctness: “Where would we be without political correctness? Why, think of the word crapburger and its disputed genesis. Do you really think Seamus had another intention when coming up with the word, other than to be politically correct towards all the shit in his and our past? The word’s descriptive origin is obvious: he merely wanted to give this shit a name, an identity. Why call it shit, if it’s not really the same thing as the result of digestion? Although I do admit the possibility of a less noble purpose in mind, Seamus managed to synthesize the human nature in one sharp word. We now have a word (that is in no way offensive) for the indescribable, and it’s even a good one.” So crapburger becomes a definition of the undefined, of the so-called refused reality. This is interesting to remember because no one had tried to define the human grief and bullshit altogether, using a totally different noun, before Seamus. His work is remarkably interesting this way, especially through the neological point of view.
Apart from these attributes, the word has caused much dispute between the highly rated Cambridge and Harvard specialists, as described in The Oral Chronicle (04-10-2003):”Yesterday’s Neology Conference was as interesting to us journalists as to the philologists themselves; this was due to the ongoing dispute regarding the neologism crapburger and its social implications, word which, needless to say, rose above this years’ favorites (intersocietal, paraturbance and vectorysm)”. And according to Dr. Robert Manfeast, “Trouble? Heh, this blasted crapburger is more of a pain in the ass than that dispute we had a couple a’ years ago on how to spell pharaoh the rite way.” So we understand now the kind of dispute such an apparently insignificant word can cause among the upper spheres of the scientifical society.
However, since that society is far beyond the readers’ reach and comprehension, I would like to return to the factual information we have so far. What do we have so far? A new word, a handful of opinions and no verdict. We shall thus try to synthesize everything in a more digestible form.
Apart from the strictly mot-a-mot definition (Culinary term naming a dish consisting of several leftovers embodied in crapsauce and carefully wrapped in crapbread), its first interpretation was that it is a synonym for life (the undesirable things about it, more specifically). This is a fairly subjective assessment, however that does not make it an invalid one. Considering it is a rather impressive metaphor, its meaning receives extra credit and validation. And why shouldn’t Mr. Occipitus be right? The bitter things of our existence come cloaked and unannounced, much like the so-called crap in the burger. Seamus had an interesting idea regarding this meaning: ”You know, if I’d have more bread in the burger, I’d taste less crap”.
Of course, this is not all proven. Words are so deeply interrelated to those who utilize them that there would be no way of ascertaining the truth through a mere induction. As far as political correctness if concerned, the word has been accepted. Why not look into the separate parts of the word, to analyze them separately and hopefully come up with the suitable and proper definition of crapburger? That would be an interesting approach, but this dictionary provides possible solutions and not direct answers, so we will explain the word crap and then give you, the reader, the opportunity to debate it.

-Main Entry: 1 crap
Pronunciation: krap
Function: intransitive verb
Inflected Form: crapped ; crap-ping
Date: 1846

, usually vulgar : defecate

-Main Entry: 2 crap
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English crappe chaff, residue from rendered fat, perhaps from Old French crappe chaff, residue, from Medieval Latin crappa
Date: circa 1897

1 a usually vulgar: excrement b usually vulgar: the act of defecating
2 sometimes vulgar: nonsense, rubbish; also: stuff 4b

-Main Entry: 3 crap
Function: noun
Etymology: singular of craps
Date: 1885

1 — used as an attributive form of craps ²crap game³ ²crap table³
2 : a throw of 2, 3, or 12 in the game of craps losing the shooter his bet unless he has a point — called also craps; compare natural

-Main Entry: 4crap
Function: intransitive verb
Inflected Form: crapped ; crap£ping
Date: circa 1930

1 : to throw a crap
2 : to throw a seven while trying to make a point — usually used with out

-Taken from Encyclopaedia Britannica 2004

Now I would like to present a definition of the word burger, since the word crapburger can only be analyzed as a sum of the two.

Main Entry: bur-ger
Pronunciation: ‚b„r-g„r
Function: noun
Date: 1939

1 : hamburger
2 : a sandwich similar to a hamburger — often used in combination ²tofu burger³

The conclusion remains to be drawn by the reader.