Saturday, June 12, 2010

The Ghost of Jealousy!

"Jealousy - the shadow of greed, it is" - Yoda

You know what really makes me flip? The truly inescapable type of jealousy:
Not being the first and the last.
Because that way, nothing's ever truly yours alone...

Better Than All The Rest

And yet, Honesty is the best approach.
The most rewarding way to be with people.
The less painful when you don't get what you want out of it.
The approach that lets you sleep at night.
The approach with the least "what if's".
The easiest way to get what you want is to be forthcoming about it, to act on it.
Doubting your own needs, desires and feelings is more destructive than a broken heart. It erodes the very link between mind and heart, it poisons the lifeblood of love and compassion. It makes you blacken your most precious visceral values until you no longer recognize them as supreme, as good, as pure, you being to lose your understanding of yourself, of your identity and what makes you tick.
And that is a horrible thing.


Honesty is a very special brew.
I think in a way it's related to respect. Just like with living, there's a whole lot of approaches you can take with people.
There's always giving. Giving, in its most honest form, is distilled compassion. I'm not talking about giving a hug or spare change or a gift, i'm talking about giving trust, giving into feelings, being as good as you can be.
There are alternatives to this. Safer ones, perhaps, like giving from under a mask, like forced distance, like keeping your head above the other person's. It's sort of like trying to show a police officer, or a friend, or even your dog you're not vexed or impressed, just one increment colder, less vulnerable. This is always done to put you in an advantage, to protect and to cater to your less glamorous needs and drives. But sometimes this backfires. You create this illusion for yourself that a single action or word can reveal it for what it is - just like the emperor's clothes. Only this time, the emperor knows his clothes are an illusion and he's trying to make his subjects buy the whole charade - but when they laugh and walk away, he feels the all too human chill of vulnerability - of failure. One single act where someone else is much stronger than you pretend to be brings your entire castle of cards down.
Tried that approach many times. Everyone of us has. There's always honesty, of course. The unassuming, undemanding, honesty of yourself. You don't have to want anything back, you don't have to do it for any other reason other than being that way.
And of course, this too can backfire. No matter what you are or how yourself you are, they can always make you feel hopeless and betrayed. There's nothing disarming about that of course, you're not carrying any armor or daggers, but it's staggering how they can bite you back as though you've been anything but open and giving.

I always knew it could do that

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Monday, June 7, 2010

I've tried so many ways to enjoy living, to go about and do it. Haven’t tried everything, don’t think anyone can, but I’ve tried every approach I can think of. Maybe sometimes you have to try a lot of things to get new approaches, maybe you only get all the approaches after you try everything, but you know, I’m only human.

So, like any young man of my age, I’ve tried buying a bunch of stuff and living life via the items you surround yourself with. I’ve tried this a few times in my life, gotta have that new phone, superstars are super-rad this season, go crazy with the khakis, you all know the drill. But time and time again I realized it didn’t cut it and went “neah, I don’t like that”. Really came in and out of that a couple of times.

Then you get all lonely and you feel unique, yeah unique, but not in the way you wanted, not in the way people got your back-unique, in the unique and uh, un-noticed kind of way. So I shut myself off, went all Gregory House on life, was the cynical, misanthropic curmudgeon. A role that suited me all too well, but I kind of came in and out of that too. A lot of us do that, a lot of you do that, it’s really appealing, you know? I thought the same, I thought that’s what I have to do to be a genius, you have to be mad. So maybe if you’re not yet a genius but you’re mad first, maybe if you put the word mad before genius, you can force the Genius to appear.

But that doesn’t work either, but through the years I’ve been in and out of various me’s and that’s helped me grow, but the point is I’ve paced myself pretty well, I’ve met a lot of interesting people, done a lot of things, made a lot of things happen for myself, been a lot of people. And that’s a cool thing. But I guess the one approach to this, that I will always find allright, and perfect, is Love.

Sunday, June 6, 2010