Saturday, December 1, 2012

I'm working for myself now. I'm my own boss.

Upsides: I work for a percentage. A decent percentage, actually.
Downside: If I fuck up, I lose my percentage. Nobody else to cover my ass.
Upside to that: If I fuck up, at least I don't drag anyone else down with me.
Downside to that: Well, If I fuck up, it just means I'm a fuckup.

Friday, November 30, 2012

I'd blame it all on the booze and that would be so easy, but the fact of the matter is I'm the idiot.
I hate losing control yet I put myself up for it every single time I booze up my brain so much that the dark passenger takes control. Do I lose control to him? Or is that just a lie I use to separate myself from that asshole mask? All my efforts to be a better person, to make better choices go down the drain when I go this far down the rabbit hole. And then I make all these bad choices.

Which of course, I'd love to blame it on my "scumbag brain" on alcohol. That would be so easy. But I'm the one to blame. I'm that asshole just as much as I am the regular person trying to do his best. That darkness that comes out, the rudeness, the inappropriateness, they're all part of me and who I am just as much as the hopes, aspirations, dreams and kindness. And, well, that's...horrible. I'm undermining my own efforts, my own improvements. 

Someone said that forgiveness is earned by forgiving yourself first. Forgiving myself is a multiple step process, it seems. And every time I act like a fuck up, I push myself back a few steps on that path to forgiveness.

I'm a fucking fool. A senseless fool. A fucking buffoon and I do it all so knowingly. Nobody is to blame but me. Nobody should deal with my own fucked up self when I'm like this. Nobody deserves my own brand of twisted narcissism. 

A hug would be nice though.

I am just a worthless liar.
I am just an imbecile.
I will only complicate you.
Trust in me and fall as well.
I will find a center in you.
I will chew it up and leave,
I will work to elevate you
just enough to bring you down

My Dark Passenger

At this moment I can really identify with his entire speech. And it's kind of scary.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

you know what I really hate recently? the swirling dust-sparkle jet stream of important decisions that I have to make on really short terms.

Could I really leave everything behind and go for who knows how long?

It's all in the perspective of the future, really. I don't like thinking about the past, and I'm living a very fast present right now. I don't have the time to fall apart or to regret. But now I have to peek ahead and I really don't know. What if I'll ruin this too?
tu, manusile tale de lady gaga si intrebarile tale simpatice. d-aia o sa ma bucur cand ma intorc.

cause this was not your dream

300 kilometers away from home and once again I feel like a million actual miles from home and those I love.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

jesus won't you fucking whistle

Tool- You Lied with lyrics

Shouldn't you have said what you meant?