jesus won't you fucking whistle

I'd blame it all on the booze and that would be so easy, but the fact of the matter is I'm the idiot.

I hate losing control yet I put myself up for it every single time I booze up my brain so much that the dark passenger takes control. Do I lose control to him? Or is that just a lie I use to separate myself from that asshole mask? All my efforts to be a better person, to make better choices go down the drain when I go this far down the rabbit hole. And then I make all these bad choices.

Which of course, I'd love to blame it on my "scumbag brain" on alcohol. That would be so easy. But I'm the one to blame. I'm that asshole just as much as I am the regular person trying to do his best. That darkness that comes out, the rudeness, the inappropriateness, they're all part of me and who I am just as much as the hopes, aspirations, dreams and kindness. And, well, that's...horrible. I'm undermining my own efforts, my own improvements. 

Someone said that forgiveness is earned by forgiving yourself first. Forgiving myself is a multiple step process, it seems. And every time I act like a fuck up, I push myself back a few steps on that path to forgiveness.

I'm a fucking fool. A senseless fool. A fucking buffoon and I do it all so knowingly. Nobody is to blame but me. Nobody should deal with my own fucked up self when I'm like this. Nobody deserves my own brand of twisted narcissism. 

A hug would be nice though.