The path to personal enlightenment is a painful one, at best

"I'm a liar and a thief.."

Harsh lines from Nirvana's Pennyroyal Tea cover.They bring in mind Bill Hick's drug-related rant that we are "the imaginations of ourselves".

The problem is, most of the times we choose to ignore the bad and rely on the good, even if it's just in our imagination. Sometimes the person we think we are is something better than what we'd like to admit - and we surround ourself with that illusion and make it as real as possible.

Facing your own faults and flaws is painful and frightening. I know i am less than what i think of myself... In the past year, i've been having difficulties expressing my daily life, talking about it, sharing it - after all, that's what a blog is for. And i haven't been very succesful, and have always argued that it's because i'm a private person. That it feels odd to share every part of my day-to-day life and about who i am, as a person.

Truth is, it's because i'm an illusion. Seamus is an illusion, a lie. I clamor for achievements and new insights, but in the end i realize i'm much less than i could be, i've accomplished nothing of real value. It's all a farce. I'm not who i appear to be... i'm afraid i'm a loser, a permanent loser. That there's nothing i can do to make up for all the time i've lost.